


Badass Balm

by blythechild



Series: Brainfarts I wrote down [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Cthulhu Mythos, Friendship, Gen, Pre-Apocalypse, Ridiculous, Tea, Tentacle Monsters, Weird Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 06:45:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3519353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cthulhu arrives to destroy existence as we know it, but before he does, he has one request.</p><p> </p><p>This is an original work. It is suitable for all audiences (unless you are prejudiced against tentacled creatures).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Badass Balm

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on the fly one day and I'm posting it here so I remember where I put it.

My gnawing trepidation brought me to the very edge of the sea that boiled and frothed with the angry vengeance of what lay beneath.

"This is nuts." I said. "The sensible thing to do would be to locate a very tall tree, or perhaps consider hot air balloon living for the foreseeable future..."

But no - I had to see the beast with my own eyes. As if called by my presence, the waves parted and he rose. A tremendous, unspeakable horror - tentacled face squirming, unholy eyes fixed upon me, carrion wings flapping with the certainty of inevitable doom... but he also had a very nice suit. Wet, yes, but bespoke, surely. Even as I was transfixed by the horror of his appearance rising from the deep, a part of me appreciated that he had dressed for the occasion. 

**_I AM THE LORD OF SORROWS, THE ESSENCE OF CREEPING DOOM. LOOK UPON ME AND DESPAIR, TINY CREATURE._ **

And I did. His voice was as broken glass scraped over flesh, and it invaded me until I felt my soul flooded with his pain and the futility of escape. It was quite an opener as far as conversation starters went. His jaundiced eyes flicked at my terrified silence (perhaps he sensed that I had lost some bladder control). He leaned over me menacingly, flapping wings fashioned from the skin of his victims. I waited for him to seal my fate.

**_I HAVE SLEPT BENEATH THE WAVES FOR EONS, WAITING FOR TIME TO RIPEN. NOW I HAVE AWAKENED TO TEACH YOU ALL THE FUTILITY OF YOUR LIVES AND TO EXTRACT PAYMENT FOR YOUR SINS, MEWLING WET MONKEYS._ **

I closed my eyes and wondered why he bothered with the preamble. His need to soliloquy tested my resolve.

**_BUT FIRST, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO HAVE TEA WITH ME._ **

I cracked an eyelid. "Tea?"

**_IT'S VERY WET IN THE CAVERN OF DESPAIR. HARD TO NEGOTIATE A GOOD CUP OF TEA. AND I HAVEN'T HAD A DECENT SCONE IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG. WOULD YOU MIND? BEFORE WE GET TO THE WORLD-DESTROYING, GAPING MAW OF INTENSE CHAOS BUSINESS..._ **

What could I say? When has tea _not_ been inviting? I agreed and perched on rocks with the Lord of Sorrows passing a pleasant hour with him and an impeccable cup of Oolong. We spoke of many things and I found him to be a gentleman of the first order. Even as he outlined his 16-point plan for our doom, I realized that even unspeakable evil needs a few friends.


End file.
